A Child’s Spiritual And Emotional Heart

I’ll never forget the day when my dear friend, the late Dr. Gary Smalley, the “guru” of marriage and family wisdom to millions of admiring fans, taught me the five levels of intimacy in marriage (and equally true for raising children.)

Gary, whose warmth, wisdom, and communication skills won the hearts of those who knew him, said that truly knowing your spouse (or children) depended on your willingness and ability to understand and practice the “deep dive” through five levels of intimacy.

Level 1 – Small Talk: “Hi. What’s up?” – “Not much.” – “What’s going on?” etc.

Level 2 – Facts: “I read today that…” – “Today the kids told me that…” – “In history class I read…”

Level 3 – Opinions: “Mom, I don’t think that…” – “I don’t agree that…” – “I see it this way…”

Level 4 – Feelings: “Dad, it really hurts me when…” – “Mom, I’m so sad when…” – “Sometimes I just feel so lonely.”

Level 5 – Needs: “Mom, I need you to be there when…” – “Dad, I need your soft shoulder when…”

The fruit of living in all five levels of intimacy is trust, warmth, closeness, and heart-to-heart family relationships. The challenge, Gary said, is that when a couple or a parent-child get to Level 3: Opinions, a “fear dance” begins because of our tendency to prove our point, control, and stand vigorously for our own opinion. It is “me vs. you” time. During this immature battle of opinions fear is invited in, hearts close, and emotional safety is shut down. So, we “dance” back to Level 1; Small Talk. The relationship is imprisoned in shallowness. Intimacy is never achieved.

The “grace” connection and the gift of understanding can tear down that wall and take the relationship to a deeper and more fulfilling level.

Perhaps you too grew up under a shadow of guilt and shame during childhood failures as perceived from God or taught through words of condemnation from your parents. If you grew up under a shadow of guilt and shame you know the screaming need in a child’s heart for forgiveness, grace, and restoration! Memorizing key Bible verses, talking about, and modeling God’s heart for grace is critical beyond words to a child’s emotional well-being.

Romans 8:1 – “Therefore there is now no condemnation at all for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

2 Corinthians 5:21 – ^“He made Him who knew no sin to be sin in our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.”

1 John 1:9 – “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous, so that He will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

These three treasures are “steak and potatoes” to a child’s spiritual and emotional heart!

The “grace-connection” is built in the home by insightful parents who model it, who don’t speak condemnation or shame over their children, and who apply discipline and forgiveness like Siamese twins. It is giving to our children what we hope and believe God is giving to us.

The “gift of understanding,” though seldom spoken of in parent-child literature, is an absolute cache of gold for the parent with a soft patient heart, loving eyes, keen ears, and a curious mind. To a child, being understood opens up a mind that wants to learn and grow, a heart that feels free to feel, and a personality that wants to engage in conversation and express ideas without fear of belittlement or condemnation. Children that feel understood want to explore knowing God and giving the gift of understanding others.

The killer “C’s” of understanding and truly knowing your child are Control (over control), Criticism, Condemnation, and Czarcasm (my word for put downs or convey contempt.) The fertilization for building understanding is much like emotional validation. The two will be rewarded together for you as a parent as you engage in conversation with warmth, empathy, and open-ended questions that include follow up questions like: “Describe that for me.” “Tell me what that’s like for you.” Or “I’d love to know more about that.” If you’re a “fixer” or love to give advice or if you have a tendency to cut conversations short with controlling “here’s what you need to do” answers, you can probably imagine how empty your child’s need to be validated and understood will become. “Robot kids” say “yes sir” and “no ma’am” on the outside but their heart will remain underdeveloped, fearful, and insecure. Memorizing Psalms 139:1-4 together is the best way I know to allow God to communicate His wonderful heart for understanding His children and His help to re-weave a heart that has been tattered by a non-understanding home. The person who knows your child’s heart the best and yet loves him/her the most will win the heart of your child. The three simple keys to become that person:

1. Be available when you are needed. When your child calls, the rest of your day is on freeze frame. When you child needs a soft shoulder, yours is the softest pillow in the home.
2. Keen ears: Lock up your tongue and throw away the key! Unsolicited advice is considered criticism. Earn yourself a P.H.D. in asking caring open-ended questions. Listen with world famous patience. Let your open eyes and your open-heart fill in the blanks.
3. Long-suffering, ever-enduring, marathon style friendship. Love never fails. Prize winning parents never throw in the towel.

I dearly hope this year’s study of the “Heart Cries of a Child” has been helpful as together we seek to raise children who are secure, creative, motivated, and have a desire to explore God and grow in intimacy with Jesus their Lord and Savior.

With gratitude for the insightful writing of Gary Smalley and Josh McDowell and Dr. Caroline Leaf, here is a summary of some of the “Heart Cries of a Child.”

Together for kids,