Love Them. Like Them

One of the things I’ve learned about kids is this – as parents we need to make sure our kids know we love them unconditionally—no matter what they say, no matter what they do. We may disapprove of their choices sometimes, but we never stop loving them. They need to hear that and be assured of it often.

But today let me discuss something else our kids really need—related but different. Besides knowing we love them, our children also need to know we like them. That we are glad they are in the family. We enjoy them. We look forward to spending time with them and interacting with them. They are likable and accepted just the way they are.

Now, I will admit some kids are easier to like than others. Believe me, my parents had their days when it was difficult to like me and yes, I had my days as a dad when I was grumpy and my kids probably felt like I didn’t like them. And no one’s opinion on that matters more than the opinions of mom and dad.

Fortunately, I had been a Kamp counselor for four or five summers and Kamp had taught me that every kid, no matter what, needed to feel on the inside that they were loveable and likeable. How can you let your kids know you like them? Well, for one thing, you can say it. If you play a game of basketball together in the driveway, say afterward, “That was really fun! I enjoyed being with you.” If a child goes shopping with you, say afterward, “Thanks for coming with me. It’s nice to have good company when I’m running errands.” You get the idea.

My friend Josh McDowell says, “Kids spell love: T.I.M.E.” Being liked comes across best when dads and moms prioritize “kid time” over personal hobby time.

One dad I know was an avid tennis player. He really loved the game, and he would devote large parts of many Saturdays to playing it with his tennis buddies. Only complication: He had a young son at home who would have loved to get more attention (TIME) from his dad on the weekends. Finally, a light bulb turned on in this guy’s head, and he realized how much time and priority he was giving to the game at a point in the child’s life when the boy needed to know that he was more important to Dad than tennis. And so, this dad hung up his racquet in the garage and didn’t take it down again for more than twenty years. Saturdays became more about having fun with his son. (Regular Saturday breakfasts with your kids in the kitchen or at Chick-Fil-A, anyone?)

Okay, but what do you do if you really struggle to like your child? My suggestion is that you spend a few minutes with a pen and a piece of paper and think of all the things you like about your child and write them down. My friend Gary Smalley called this heart changing document a “cherish list”. Maybe your boy does a great job mowing the yard. Maybe your girl is a smart, hardworking student. Maybe he is a loyal friend. Maybe she is a great helper to a younger sibling. Again, you get the idea. Write down as many things as you can think of. Add to the list as more things come to mind. You might be surprised at how long your list gets.

Then put the list somewhere where you will see it often, perhaps on your bathroom mirror or attach it to your computer monitor and take a few seconds to review it every time you see it.

Even better, share it with your child, maybe during one of those Saturday breakfasts. “Son/Daughter, I want you to know how much I like you. Let me tell you some of the things I like about you. See, I’ve even made a list, and I keep adding to it!”

“Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances.” (Proverbs 25:11)

Love them. Like them. Our kids need both from their parents most of all. And as always, both words and actions help to convey these essential truths.