Studying Your Kids

Coach Ray Utley, the defensive coordinator at S.M.U. under whose brilliant leadership I played for three fun years was a master at studying our opponents for each Saturday’s game.

Coach was as tough as he was fantastic to know as a close friend. Now in his 80’s he still calls me regularly to check in or remind me to never give up. I named my oldest son after him.

As a football coach at Kanakuk for the past 50+ years I’ve learned a lot about how to “scout” for kids and understand their opponent in real life!

As a football coach, I’ve seen that one of the keys to success in any sport is preparation. I’m talking about studying your opponent, knowing what his offense and defense do in certain situations, and being ready both to react to his moves and to make moves of your own to exploit his weaknesses.

There’s a parallel for us who want to be effective parents. Don’t get me wrong: our kids are not the enemy! It’s just the opposite. However, one of the keys to success as a parent is to study our kids and the century they live in, to learn what makes them tick; to discover what motivates and demotivates them, and so on: to get to know them inside and out.

With that knowledge, we can train them more effectively, better help them develop their God-given interests and abilities, discipline them more efficiently, and just generally help them live with more happiness and less stress.

So how do we go about studying our kids and getting to know them to this depth? In this letter I’ll focus on one way to do it. And in subsequent letters, I’ll offer some more ways.

Are you ready? The first way to study your child is to ask questions and then listen, listen, listen. Sounds simple, right? But in this day and age, when everyone is so busy and our smartphones are often stuck in our faces, it’s easily overlooked. So, in the car, at mealtimes, at bedtime, and whenever else is convenient, put away the phones and talk. If your child is still a good bit shorter than you, bend, sit, or squat to his/her level and look him/her in the eye. Give your kids your undivided attention.

And what kinds of questions do you ask? The potential list is endless. With school in session, ask how the day went, but also ask, “What was the highlight of your day?” “Did anyone make you smile or frown today?” “What part of school did you enjoy the most today? Why?” In the same vein you can ask, “What part of school was your least favorite today? Why?” Best of all, look at favorite Bible verses together and ask, “What do you hear God saying in this verse?”

Ask about friends, teachers, anything funny that happened, anything sad that happened, what subjects they really enjoy, and which subjects are a struggle. Ask how your child feels about those things. Be super careful to care for their feelings!!! Don’t crush a feeling shared with parental advice! If a child feels sad, hurt, discouraged, etc., softly ask, “Tell me about that.” “What’s that like for you?” – Listen with your heart!

If your child is a little older, you can ask things like “What really drives you?” “What can you do that most people can’t?” and “What dreams do you think God has given you about what to do with the rest of your life?”

Another good question for teens, from youth pastor Doug Fields, is this: “If you could design a specific way to serve God and you knew you wouldn’t fail, what would you do?”

Remember, the goal in asking questions like this is to listen and learn, to better understand and appreciate your child’s uniqueness. Don’t lecture! Figuratively speaking, you need to have big ears and a small mouth, tough skin, and a tender heart.

As I have probably shared before, my very most favorite time  of the day when we had four kids under our roof was “lay by time” before bed. I practiced it from diapers to graduation about 260 nights a year when I wasn’t traveling for recruiting and events or when Kamp wasn’t in session. I had five rigid rules for myself during those wonderful and sometimes lengthy conversations. Don’t criticize, don’t condemn, don’t complain, don’t coach (no advice). Just ask questions and listen. Those five rules built “safety” in their sharing feelings and ideas. Our conversations were wonderful and over the years (through thick and thin, difficulties and ease, I grew to know them. The work of parenting (listening so kids will talk – talking so kids will listen) is the joy of parenting!

James 1:19 was written specifically about listening with grace and a great message for parents who want to better know their kids: “But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.”

Here at Kanakuk, we’re available year-round to help you grow as a Christian parent. Check out our website www.joewhiteparenting.com and let’s journey together as moms and dads who love God with all our heart, mind, and strength, and who love our kids more than life itself.