The Lasting Impact of a Parent's Voice

I read a story this morning that I had read several years ago that kicked me pretty hard to renew my thinking about the power (good and bad) of the words that I use in my marriage and with my kids and grandkids. A woman named Julia went to the hospital for routine thyroid surgery. Unfortunately, as the surgeon was working, he severed one of her vocal cords with his scalpel. When she awoke from the anesthesia, Julia’s voice had been reduced to a painful whisper.

Attempts at rehabilitation failed. She wondered if she would ever speak freely and normally again. A year later, Julia found herself on an operating table once again. This time, a different doctor obtained a good result, and Julia regained her voice. This doctor warned her, however, to take it easy for 10 days until he was sure her vocal cords were healed and her voice would stay strong; but Julia had other ideas. She decided that if there were any possibility her voice might disappear again, she was going to make the most of the time she had. So she started using her newfound voice as if there was no tomorrow. She told her husband “I love you” 50 times a day. She told her kids how proud she was of them. She told knock-knock jokes, read bedtime stories, sang in the shower and laughed at every opportunity. And, she made sure every night to thank God for returning her voice – even if it was just temporary. The good news is that Julia’s voice remains strong to this day.

The great thing (and often a challenging thing for me!) about being a mom or dad is that most of us, as parents, have voices that function well and are intended for lots and lots of “atta boys” and “atta girls” every day. At K-2 football, it is our well-intended goal to make sure that each player hears his name with something good attached to it 10 times every day! Wow, how it works with teenage athletes! I heard about a research study this week that determined boys (and men of any age) have a greater longing to hear the words “thank you” (providing feelings of appreciation), while girls and women have a greater longing to hear the words “I love you.” (No doubt to “boys” and “girls” of any age those tender words are the best emotional medicine a family member can give!) This is a great thing, by the way, to remember this Father’s Day!

We read in Proverbs 3:27, “Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it.” We’ve all read or heard about the five love languages and how people want to receive love in different ways. But let me tell you from experience, there’s no one who doesn’t like to hear words of love, affirmation and encouragement. In my daily work with teenagers, college students, and young adults I encourage so many bruised emotions from young folks whose parents were hard on them with critical words. At the same time, I also hear heartwarming stories from students who were treated harshly by peers but had parents who mended their wounds by standing by their side with words of unconditional love.

Yes, children can be awkward and cumbersome and irritating and burdensome and sometimes down right challenging, but they do grow up! They do mature out of their child-like behavior. Putting your foot down and keeping it down with boundaries and consequences is super necessary when rules are being broken. “A child out of control (who gets his/her own way) will bring shame to his/her mother.” Proverbs 29:15

But “hating the sin while loving the child” with words of assurance (even in the stormy seasons of growing up) will win a lifelong relationship and a prosperous fulfilling grown up version of your child. In the long run, enduring parents who speak unconditional love mold and shape their kids into faithful adults. Colossians 4:6 says, “Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.”

After 15 years of counseling, three marriage experts from Denver learned that the couple that gives five times as many words of encouragement to every one word of “teaching; correcting” or “personal request” has a 94% chance of a happy marriage. What works for spouses works even better for kids!

For kids,